The imperfection

It's March already.
It's my 4th year doing PhD.
Why does time fly so fast?

Here in Holland, the weather is getting warmer. Well, spring is coming. I can see the sun shining, not that warm, but at least I can see that the day is bright as it is supposed to be. The wind? It's not Holland if the wind is shy to blow.

Life? Well... so so. But every time I remember the 4th year thingy, I feel like I can't breathe the air freely. My mind is so messy. I feel like I am doomed sometimes. I hate it when people start asking about thesis. And for a lot of times I ask my self: why am I making my life so complicated by taking this PhD thing? It's draining my soul, a lot.

Then I start to rewind... far far away. So many memories, so many... hmm... I even don't let my self remember those years. The vibe I get when I play the flashback is not nice. Somewhat, it gives me freaky feeling, a lot of worries, and a wake up call: I was lost.

In the name of humanity, I often wonder... why did those terrible things happen at once? Sure I can do chit chat and find good things in between... but then I realize, that will not change anything. And yes, I have a lot of regrets.

One thing I learn for sure is how I am supposed to appreciate imperfection. I think I used to get something easily, in the meaning when I try hard, most of the time I get what I pursue. But then, the law of nature teaches me something else. Sometimes... just sometimes... trying hard doesn't really guarantee we'll be getting what we want. Even though I wreck my brain, I apply positive thoughts, I do a lot of things, I try this and that ... when it is not meant to work, then it simply doesn't work. The nature doesn't even care that I put a lot of efforts. When it is not the correct thing, then yeah, it simply fails.

From that very moment, I clearly understand... I have no control over what happens around me. I can't dictate the potatoes to produce a lot of enzymes just because I spend the whole week isolating it. I can't order the amine group to be present in the polymer, just because I have been drowning in it for three years. I can't beg the polymer to fly just because I book an expensive equipment to detect its mass. The nature forces me to just accept it the way it is, not the way I want it to be. And by the time I reach this moment, I am getting used to blatantly honest about the things. If it's true, then it's true. When it's wrong, then it's wrong. I simply find my thinking shifted. I find my self view the world from different perspective. Is it towards good thing? Hmm, I just know that I am becoming too realistic, and yet too ignorance.

Is that the lost me I would like to find again?

Well... all I can say is that... time doesn't wait, the earth keeps moving, and life goes on.