Roll back the time, roll forward the hopes

Y: When?
X: January, maybe.
Y: Will you come back here?
X: I guess so, for a couple days.
Y: I see… couple days… Are you sure?
X: Ya.
Hmm… well, not quite sure though.
Y: Better make up your mind then.
X: I guess so.
Y: your answer is too short. Such a junk, isn’t that? :D
X: I’m not in the mood to make a junk.
Y: Ok… ok… I’m sorry.
X: Can a man married a woman who doesn’t love him?
Y: Ahahahaha… what question is that? =))
X: I’m serious.
Y: Alright…
Hmmm…As long as the man loves the woman, no problem I guess. But why do you ask about it?
X: I just thought, you know…mmm… maybe I will just marry someone who loves me, even though I’m not quite sure whether I love him or not.
Y: Hah???
X: Funny, isn’t it? :)
Y: Did you sleep well last night? Anything weird happened? Or …Are you okay this time?
X: Hey! Just relax… I am just arguing, okay? I’m obviously fine.
Y: Obviously you said? You are obviously not fine. Oh, God….
X: Just answer my question…
Y: Are you sure you are fine? I mean… Oh, girl… life doesn’t come twice. You know, you should enjoy every single thing in your life, every single thing. I think that… it will be wonderful if you have your own love story.
X: Well, just consider me as a non-common-girl.
Y: Hahaha…
Hmm,,, is there anything bothering you, dear?
X: Is there a real prince charming in this world? Like a fairy tale, a masked man who will bring joy and happiness, a charming one riding white horse, having a sword nearby, but giving a flower to a princess, romantically. Kind of that…. is there?
Y: Yes, there is, my dear… only if you believe he is real. He could be somewhere, and maybe he is so close to you. You just don’t realize that he is there.
X: It means that I should look for him?
Y: Well… probably not, probably yes… All is in your hand....
X: …
Y: What’s wrong, my dear?
X: ….
I don’t think I need a prince charming. I just need a real friend....
Y: A friend for the rest of your life, isn’t it?
X: Ya, Hmm…just a friend, a real friend.
Y: You don’t want to fall in love with someone?
X: No, it’s tiring.
Y: Well, you should sacrifice something to get a true happiness. U should have a nice dream, and make it true.
X: I don’t know whether I believe in a dream anymore.
Y: …
X: Have you ever been in love?
Y: Well, ya, you can say so.
X: Were you happy?
Y: Yes, of course, even when the person is not here. Being in love is great. It makes me happy, until now. I have many things to remember =), it makes me more live.
X: ya, I think so. Loving someone should be nice…
What if I decide not to love anyone?
What do you think?
Y: and why do you decide something like that?
X: I just…
I think that if I should fall in love with someone, I want to fall in love with him completely.
Y: So?
X: But if I want to be able to follow his life scene, the happy and the sad one, then there is time when I should not have a special feeling toward him, to be neutral, to think more logically, avoid jealousy.
Y: Yes, of course. There are times when women should support what her man wants, even when it against her will. But it doesn’t mean you have to stop loving him.
X: I’m not sure I can sacrifice that big.
Y: It is okay my dear. Everyone has their own story, a perfect story. They all learn the life, step by step.
X: =)
Ya, we all learn....
Y: Honey, why don’t you try getting close to… hmmm… let’s say… try to open your heart. What do you think?
X: … I… tried last time, but it wasn’t too nice.
Y: you got hurt?
X: ya, very :)
Y: But for sure you have something to learn, don’t you?
X: Well I’m trying my best on that.
Y: You know my dear… it is really okay for a man marrying a woman who doesn’t love him, as long as he loves the woman. Because from what I know… the woman will gradually learn to love the man.
X: Are you sure?
Y: You have my words, honey. There are always risks in everything. In marriage… of course there are risks.
X: Why do you talk about marriage???
Y: Well, just trying to spread the topic, no mean to offense.
X: …
You know what I’m thinking now? I’m afraid of getting married not because I’m afraid of taking risks, but mostly because I’m afraid in giving risks to my husband.
Y: What?! Are you serious?
X: Of course I am, I’m always serious even when I’m making a joke.
Y: It’s really funny. But one thing for sure, honey, then you obviously should marry someone who heartedly loves you…because someone in love is willingly taking risk to make his beloved one happy.
X: Do you think so?
Y: Ya, I do think so.
X: Then how can I know if someone truly loves me?
Y: Well, your heart can answer that very well.
X: You’re not helping.
Y: Hahaha, just let your heart open, let it speak and tell you what to do. Everything will be fine, trust me.
X: …good phrase. Cause right now, I do want to meet someone who can ensure me that… everything will be fine.
Y: O, my dear. I know there are persons out there who willingly ensure you that. You just need to be more open, you have to… you know… let yourself fall in love.
X: I don’t want to talk about love.
Y: Okay, fine. I will not talk about love anymore, unless you ask.
O God… you do need to have a very patient man to marry you.
X: I don’t want to talk about marriage.
Y: …fine, up to you…
X: Hmm… have you ever heard ‘wonderful world’? Louis Armstrong?
Y: We have, we all have…
X: Such a nice song, isn’t it?

**
… Yesterday, I began to build this wall
Encapsulate this weak heart
Clothe this vulnerable feeling
Trying to be strong
Thinking
Wondering
Maybe hiding
… In this turn, I should decide
Convey the most unutterable thing
Thundering inside
Bothering me
Alone
… I can’t even imagine how the future life will be
If this wall grows too quickly
I don’t even formulize this shell
To take a rest from a long journey
To take a very deep breath
Or it is just to cover…
My dying heart
… Freezing
In this darkness
This environment is colder than I thought
Desperately struggling too hard
Hoping for the blanket
For this frozen soul
Imploring for some light
To pursue a more beautiful life
…

Created to memorize Gerbang Ganesha 20 November 2005